Staring at This Blankly

I’m not sure if “blankly” is a real word or even if it is proper grammar, but it is what I have been doing for the last 3 years.

That’s kind of a sad testimony when you stop and think about it. Three years slipping by doing things with that blank look on your face. You know what I’m talking about.

That passion-less existence

That purpose-less existence

That just-getting-by existence

Now… don’t get me wrong. I have had a good 3 years. I still work from home. I have an outstanding family. I’ve been to Disney. I’ve not had my minivan repo-ed. I mean really… I’m not complaining about having a pretty darn good life.

BUT… as I was reading Sarah Markley’s blog today, there was a part that grabbed me and said, “Yes! This is what you have been struggling with. Now, pursue this route.”  Here is the quote:

I was good at it (so hard to even type those words) but I wasn’t made for it. I loved teaching and I think I did well, but it wasn’t what my soul and heart were made to do.

What I’m learning is that I can be good at something but not crafted for it. I can be good at something but not created for it.

How I got to Sarah Markley’s blog is kind of story by itself. I never knew who she was until today. Here’s how I found Sarah’s blog post:

I’m a big fan of Blood Water Mission and have been in areas where they dig wells. I follow them on Twitter (@bloodwater). Another follower of BWM (not to be confused with BMW), is Anne Marie Miller (@girlnamedanne). She tweeted about a lemonaid stand fund raiser for BWM. I still have a huge place in my heart for Africa. When she mentioned “Zambia” in her tweet, I visited Anne’s blog and saw the journey she’s been on; so I followed her on Twitter. Then, today, Anne tweeted about Sarah Markley (@sarahmarkley). I saw that Sarah was friends with a couple I went to college with, Justin and Trisha Davis (@justindavis33, @trishadavis23).  I then went to Sarah’s blog and read the post that I just quoted from. I guess that is how social media works.


And, so here I am today. What am I good at? I can think of several things I am good at. I am good at ending sentences with prepositions. I am good at customer service. I am good at running an online business. I think I’m a good husband and dad. I’m good at search engine marketing. I’m good at motivating others. I used to be good at fishing.

That’s all fine. Fine is good.

But, I don’t want to be fine or good.

Fine and good is passion-less, purpose-less, and just-getting-by.

I was made for more. I am created for more.

More begins today.

Whether it was the Holy Spirit or just the words that grabbed me today, I realized my heart has been crying out to do what I was created to do. That is what I have been searching for during the last few years. Actually longer than that… more like 30 years to be honest.

I thought I had found it once, but got scared and ran 10,000 miles back home to where it was safer. That was 1996.

Today begins my prayerful journey to seek God to reveal what I was created for. The thing is, I know it is already here within me. It has just been sleeping and it is time for it to awaken.  In fact, I’m sure I’ve already been doing it, but it has been suppressed by the weight of the mundane.

Today, I also go back and re-read John Eldredge’s little book, Dare To Desire. Only 116 pages of some of the best heart, desire, and soul searching words for a guy. I’m not even sure if this little book is in print any longer. It was a gift from my wife when I was on a journey back from the lowlands.

God, I do not want to live another year, day, or moment just being good, or being good at something. I pray that you will awaken and reveal to me what I was created to be and do, so that I can lead my wife and kids in a passion filled and purpose driven life.


2 thoughts on “Staring at This Blankly”

  1. I had already graduated, but my wife was still in college. I was taking a seminary class or two and coaching the soccer team. Justin was playing basketball… in this tiny little college in the middle of a cornfield, in Lincoln, IL.

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